How to Motivate your Child with a Two-Word Phrase
Being a caregiver to a child with Autism comes with its own set of unique joys...and challenges. In those challenging moments, do you ever find yourself feeling vanquished with no idea of what to do? First-Then statements can make a world of difference. Let’s talk about how to use them and how they're going to help you and your child every day.
It is possible to motivate your child to do a task they don’t like, as long as they know they can have something they really like afterwards. First-Then statements are a great formula for acknowledging your child’s desires, while holding firm to rules you’ve set or instructions you’ve given. When there is a task that needs to be accomplished, present it as a “First”. After the task is accomplished, “then” your child can have what he or she wants. “First clean the table, then you can watch TV.”
Laying out the rules in this way helps children to know what expectations to meet to get the reward on the other side. As an adult, I find that I am still motivated by First-Then statements! “First eat dinner, then you can have some dessert.” or “First clean the dishes, then relax with a movie.” It goes without saying, these statements can have a positive impact across all ages and abilities.
So, what makes these statements work? They are clear and predictable. The expectations are laid out up-front. They are paired with something super motivating. This helps to make the task more appealing than it would be on its own. They increase the opportunities for success, which leads to more contact with positive feedback and reinforcement. And lastly, over time these statements help to teach independence by evolving rules into routines that no longer need to be reminded.
Now that we know how great these statements can be, let’s talk about how to use them effectively. First and foremost, identify the motivation. You should always know what will motivate your child in “this” moment to do “this” task before giving the statement. Giving a statement will not matter if the “reward” isn’t something the child currently desires and is more valuable than the task they’ll have to complete. Your child might say what they want without having to be asked. However, if they have not, just ask! Depending on your child’s language and comprehension, you can encourage them to be part of making the “First-Then” statement.
Parent: “Alright buddy, you need to take a bath. What do you want to do/get after your bath?”
Child: “Let’s play UNO!”
Parent: “Okay. First take a bath, then we can play UNO!”
When using First-Then statements, make sure to use simple and direct language. Keep it short and sweet! Too much language at once can be confusing and too many instructions can be overwhelming. Imagine being a child and hearing your parent say, “When you’re done with your snack you need to go do your homework and then maybe later, we can play a game.” Or even worse, the stress-inducing, no ifs, ands, or buts demand we all heard growing up: “Do your homework.” Yuck. The first example had a lot of words, both of those statements feel mostly negative, and the last gives zero motivation. Instead, simply say “First homework, then we’ll play games.”
Lastly, consistency is key. If you present the statement, make sure you stick to it! If your child refuses to complete the task, then they should not receive the reward. This will require some thinking ahead before issuing the statement. Every time you present a task that is frequently difficult, use a First-Then statement with it. For example, if eating dinner is always a battle then make sure to use a First-Then statement for every meal. Implement these statements well and often for the best success.
Here are some other helpful tips to know. Some children learn best with visuals. You can make a quick drawing to use with the First-Then statement if your child is a visual learner. If it’s something you’ll use often, print out a First-Then board with Velcro pictures you can add and remove for many different situations. Make it fun! Using a silly song or dance to complete a daunting task can help make the whole process a little more enjoyable.
The goal of First-Then statements is to make the challenging moments just a little bit easier for everyone. Remember to use these statements consistently, always pair them with your child’s motivators, and keep them short and sweet. And don’t forget to celebrate each win!
